Still Here. Still Hoping. Still Hurting.

Ok, this is another one of the hard ones (just shows you that healing is not linear).

There are days I feel like I’m stitched together with fury and fatigue. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Just exhausted from pretending that I’m okay when I’m just… not.

I survived a childhood that left bruises no one saw, not just on my skin but in my wiring. I learnt to flinch quietly, to endure loudly, and to love without expecting to be loved back in the same way.

Then I thought I found safety in someone, and I let my guard down. I built a life around the idea that this time, maybe it would be different.

Instead, he cheated. Twice.

Somehow, I’m the one left questioning my worth.

He lives in the house I provide. He breathes the air I pay for. He’s jobless, entitled, and throws tantrums every time I remind him that we are no longer together.

But I keep him here for now because of the kids. We just moved them to a foreign country, and I am trying to give them some form of stability, even while I’m standing knee-deep in emotional debris.

And some days it feels like I’m suffocating. Like yesterday. Like many days before.

Here’s the part I hate admitting, though: I still ask if something is wrong with me.

Why wasn’t I enough for him to stay loyal? Why wasn’t I enough for someone to fight for me instead of betraying me? Why does it feel like life keeps handing me lessons I never signed up for? (like seriously, how do I drop this class??)

I want love. I want someone to see me and think, Yes. You. Always you.
Not “you’ll do until something shinier comes along.”
Not “you’ll do because you’re convenient and kind”.

I want to be chosen. FULLY. The way I’ve always chosen everyone else.

But here’s what I know in the middle of the ache: that I am enough. I have always been enough. I just gave the best of me to people who didn’t know how to hold it.

And so, I am tired, but I am still here, hoping while hurting and fighting like hell to not lose myself in all of this.

Nothing about this is easy, clearly, and I promised to show up as my authentic self, even if that means showing some active battle wounds. Because, just maybe, there is someone out there who won't feel alone in a similar battle. If I can give that little bit of comfort to someone else, it will have been all worth it.